maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
