I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The air was thick with penises
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
