Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
