This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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