I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
