Even the bartender felt bad for me
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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