Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
