Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
