Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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