apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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