i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
