If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
