Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
