Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
