they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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