I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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