i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
