he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
