I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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