I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
