Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
