dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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