I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
