so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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