Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
