whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The adults are the big ones right?
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