I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
