im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
sex in a hospital.. check
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
