I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
