every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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