You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
