I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
