Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
