Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
