Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
