Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
