I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
