I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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