This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
