I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
