she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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