that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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