He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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