it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
