i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
