thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
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