her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
