Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
