im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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