Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
