walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
