Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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