I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
