I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i dont even know how to be here
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
