she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
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hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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