sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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